Trauma and PTSD as a Caregiver, the unseen hardship.

Did you know that 53% of caregivers report a severe decline in their health? 70% of caregivers grapple with their own mental health issues. About 33% have seriously considered suicide in the last 30 days. In caregivers aged 24 to 43, this rate is closer to 45%!

I completely understand this and it seems to me like those numbers might even be more, but just underreported. My mental health was never worse. Everyday was like groundhogs day, where it was the same shit, just different day. As a caregiver you are also dealing with someone who generally doesn’t feel good, in pain, or needs lots of physical attention and probably not in a good mood regularly.

Caregiving isn’t for the weak. Changing bloody bandages and adult diapers, cleaning up a multitude of bodily fluids. Dealing with extreme emergencies and deciding whether you need to call 911. Lifting someone almost twice your size until your back is in constant pain. Bathing a grown adult. Making meals 3 times a day because of the strict renal diet they are on. Driving them to every dialysis appointment, paracentesis procedure, specialist visit, doctors appointments, all while getting them loaded into the car and then loading their wheelchair or walker into the car. At night getting up every couple hours to change their position or give them medication. Sleeping with one ear open all night listening for an emergency. There is so much more to caregiving than I think most people realize. All while watching life continue on around you.

I had no time for my own identity anymore. Everything revolved about my husband’s health. Most days you just tell yourself to take it one day at a time, but sometimes it’s one hour or one minute at a time. My showers revolved around my daughter being home so someone was around to listen for my husband if he needed help. I’m a master at pasting a smile on my face and being “strong”, but damn it is hard.

People would always say, “You should find help.’ Ya, no crap, but until you are in that position you don’t realize how hard it is to actually FIND help. Most people want a full time position or even consistent part time position, which I couldn’t offer. Truly qualified help is extremely expensive, as in over $50 an hour. This person is coming into your home so you want to be able to trust them.

There are many events that happened that I’m still working through in therapy. After a bad fall, the back of my husband’s head was split open and I was holding it together waiting for paramedics to show up. Or a new medication one night caused him so much confusion he thought I was his dead mother and I was having to physically try to hold him down. Another time he had a new medication that caused so much stomach upset there was no amount of diapers and bedpans that could’ve helped that situation. I’m not trying to be gross, I’m just trying to be real. Caregiving and the trauma it can cause is rarely discussed.  I just hope to open that dialogue a little and if others are in this position, know you are not alone. Find a good therapist who offers Telehealth visits, so you don’t have to leave the house and try to find help for the person you are caring for.

I told my daughter that I hope her and I can find a good care home for me if I am ever in that place because I never want her to have to do for me what we had to do for my husband. It was sad and painful for all of us. But I do understand his desire to be home and have us be the caregivers. It is an extremely vulnerable position to be in and having strangers help you with those tasks are hard.

My therapist has recommended I write about what I experienced to help process the trauma. While I have written a ton, I am choosing to share small bits and pieces that I hope can help someone. I always felt it helped when someone would validate my feelings of how hard it was at times and that it was ok to feel that way. The amount of tears I would shed in the shower was massive. And that is ok. Feeling angry or scared or sad is ok. That is perfectly normal. And the hardest part? It doesn’t just go away when you are no longer a caregiver, no matter how that journey ends. It’s F’ing hard, but I am proud of myself and I am proud of everyone doing that same thing day in and day out.

You aren’t alone.

A small part of my big story as a 45 year old widow

Sometimes it’s hard to remember the good through all the bad.

There is no crystal ball on what is the right answer when there are no good choices.