The idea of being a “widow”

Here is a little fun fact for you: After my husband passed away I needed to go through the long list of providing death certificates and removing him from or closing accounts etc. Our car insurance had him as a driver (even though he hadn’t driven in over a year at this point). I removed him and it asks the reason and I answered deceased and then it said it automatically changed my marital status to “widow”. Ok, I am that, but way to rub it in. THEN, it gave me my new monthly payment with removing my husband and changing my marital statues to widow and it INCREASED $22 a month! Apparently widows have worse driving habits? No idea. I haven’t had an accident or ticket, just a dead husband.

Anyways, at 44 being a “widow” with a 15 year old daughter was not the life I had hoped for, but making some crappy ass lemonade out of lemons. I’ve noticed it makes people extremely uncomfortable when I tell them I’m a widow. Generally, I think, it’s because they don’t know what to say. It is sad or they feel like they put their foot in their mouth. I get that.

Day by day keep moving forward, as I sift through endless boxes and closets of his belongs. He described himself as a “collector”. I would say hoarder and unfortunately that is now the problem I get to deal with.

The responsibility I feel now as an only parent is immense. (I think this might also have to do with anger and grief, but that’s for a different post.) If you have been around a while you probably remember that before my husband got super sick I would travel for events and races a ton. As an “influencer” the money I made while getting to do things I love like running half marathons (or things I tolerate like running FULL marathons) was helpful. Now, it helps pay our bills and I am so grateful to have that income as I am working on straightening out life where everything has labeled me a widow.

I love “window shopping” online. This is where I go to a website and fill up a cart with everything I want and then abandon it. (This often happens in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep.) A lot of the products that are on sale, might be helpful for people or just fun, I often share with an affiliate link. Clicking and buying through these links costs you nothing more, but the brand pays me a percentage. On top of affiliate income I also do sponsored content, which is when a brand pays me to share about and create content for the specific brand. Your comments, views, likes and saves all help that! Also on my website is ads, every time you go and read one of my crazy posts, the ads are served to you (in hopefully a non-annoying way) and that brings in some income too. So there are many ways this space I’ve created helps pay my bills and I appreciate you clicking those links so much. I also hope you LIKE seeing the things I share, like cute animal print running shoes and pink Lululemon shorts.

I am working on finishing what has been a big goal of mine for years, and I can’t wait to share that with you, but until then, I will be here writing for therapy and saying thank you to you all.

Words of advice for people who are now a “widow” too. Those who have never experienced a tragedy such as this will not understand what you are going through. They will think that they do, or will try to, but they don’t. They can’t. They mean well. They will tell you to get out more, or go out less, get therapy, get medicated, or stop doing so much for your kids, or do more for your kids. You just need to do things your own way. You will, of course, make mistakes and ask for advice when needed, but you will have to go with your gut, and do things the best way you know how. I had so many people tell me things I should be doing for my daughter or me and it just added to the stress and anxiety and anger and guilt. So now I try real hard to just smile and say thank you, but do things my way. As one of my favorite sayings goes, if you aren’t also down in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your opinion.

Here are some other posts you might like.

A small part of my big story as a 45 year old widow

There is no crystal ball on what is the right answer when there are no good choices.

Wellness for Overwhelmed Women: You Don’t Need a Perfect Routine to Feel Better