The Dark Cloud Over My Post-Surgery Recovery…

My brain wants to go do all the things, but my body…not so much.  I was prepared for surgery…I thought.  I prepared carpools for my daughter, friends bringing meals, finished all the laundry, wrote all my blog posts, scheduled out my social media, stocked the refrigerator for school lunches, cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, typed up a schedule for my mom to help, and coordinated all my doctors appointments and medications.  Sounds pretty prepared right?  You know what I didn’t plan though?  How I would feel mentally, the depression that would set in and ways to keep myself busy.

Part of my sanity depends on me running, hiking, and just being active and outdoors.  It has only been 13 days from my surgery, but I have been in bed for most of it…and now feel like a slug.  I know I am recovering, but I just don’t feel like my self.  I am tired of TV and can’t focus on a book to decide whether it is good or not.  I swear I’ve watched enough HGTV in the last week that I could teardown and rebuild an entire house.  I underestimated how hard the recovery process would be MENTALLY. 

A friend suggested that I need a project to focus on so I can still feel like I’m accomplishing something, so my cross-stitch kit is on the way from Amazon. (Funny, but I really did order one).  

I think another part of the depression is the thought that lingers in my head about the finality of never having another child.  No matter how “come to terms” I was with the idea of only having one child, I spent most of my life thinking I would have 2-3 kids.  I realized that is a very REAL thing and it is ok to morn that idea.  I know addressing these things is important and part of the healing process.  The last thing you want to do is bottle up feelings like that.

Asking for help is way out of my comfort zone.  I’m normally the person offering help, not taking it.  This process has taught me that asking for help is so important.  I could’t do it without help from friends, family, and doctors.  You know what it also taught me?  People LIKE to help.  Just because you are asking for help doesn’t mean you are a burden.  When you genuinely need help, people want to give you help.  BUT is still HARD!  IT IS F***ING HARD. It is a hard thing to adjust to when just a week few weeks ago you were totally self sufficient and again, it just fuels the depression.  It is hard to have people in your space, even though they are helping.  I TOTALLY appreciate it, all of it, but I am just sharing what is feels like because I wasn’t prepared for it and maybe this can help someone else.  

No matter which way you spin it recovery is hard.  Your body does’t feel good and your mind is left with too much time to wander in thought…

The good times though are good.  Cuddles from my Little Monkey and bed time stories are great.  That is my favorite part of this whole process. ❤